Your Number One Deal Breaker

Everyone should have their own deal breakers, some characteristic or attribute of someone so significant enough for you to end the relationship or courtship. It can range from a lack of chemistry, different life values and goals, height difference, incompatibility, a smoking habit, or even different music tastes. I personally think it is necessary to have a few deal breakers. You need to know what you want and what you don't want, and deal breakers are a part of what you cannot put up with in a relationship and is not willing to settle for. There is nothing wrong with breaking it off because a guy/girl doesn't meet some expectations that are important to you. However, there is a difference between a couple of deal breakers and unrealistic expectations.

There is one deal breaker I think everyone should put on top of the list as it is the most important of all. I read somewhere a long time ago that you should look for someone who knows how to love well. 

Finding someone who knows how to love well seems pretty broad. But lets ask ourselves the big question, what is love? 

According to the most famous definition of love; "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs".

Therefore, to find someone who knows how to love well is to find someone who possesses all the following characteristics:

1. He/she must be patient

    Patience is a virtue. Having someone who is patient is hard to come by. There is nothing better than someone who is patient with you even when you are complaining about a bad day or in a bad mood.

2. He/she must be kind

    A person who is kind-hearted will put your needs above others, they will show empathy and relates to how other people feel and how their actions will affect others. 

3. He/she does not envy

   A little jealousy shows that they care, but too much jealousy can pose a big insecurity. If he/she is not easily envious, it shows that he/she has the maturity and is comfortable with being themselves.

4. He/she does not boast

   There is nothing worst than someone that enjoys boasting and feels the need to toot their own horns. If they are really that great, they should show you. There is nothing wrong with someone having high self-esteem but it is important for a girl/guy to be able to demonstrate a little bit of humility.

5. He/she is not proud

   Similar to being boastful, being proud is like being arrogant. There is a difference between feeling good about something you accomplished and thinking you are better than everyone around you. Would you put up with a guy/girl that thinks they are way better or way more successful than you?

6. He/she does not dishonor others

  To dishonor others is to bring shame and disgrace to others. You should always be proud of them and wanting to show them off to the world, rather than feeling humiliated and embarrassed with a guy/girl.

7. He/she is not self-seeking

   Being self-seeking is when someone is using you for their own personal benefit or interest, whether it be money, sex or something else. If someone is with you just for something they can gain from you, then they are being selfish and does not really love you for who you are.

8. He/she is not easily angered

   This is very similar to being patient. Having the occasional mood swing is fine, but if he/she is always finding faults with you, then you might want to rethink about the relationship.

9. He/she keeps no record of wrongs

   There is nothing worst than being with someone that keeps track of the number of times you stuffed up or even the number of arguments they won. Nobody is perfect. It is essential to find someone that loves you unconditionally, despite everything and does not use past wrong doings against you.

I also want to add that honesty and positivity/being ambitious are also essential traits for someone to know how to love well. If he/she is constantly lying and being negative, how are you going to trust them to take good care of you in future?

The other things like compatibility, chemistry, connection, goals and values are equally as important, but finding someone who knows how to love well should be the core of the relationship you want. 

So if someone wants to know "what's your type?", you should be able to answer without hesitation "someone who knows how to love well".

Read More... Your Number One Deal Breaker

My Asian roots

I remember distinctively one of my most meaningful conversations that I last had with my Mum and Dad occurred on New Years Day this year. It was the first day of the new year and I was driving Dad to the airport to drop him off for his flight back to Malaysia in the afternoon. On the way, all of us made a detour to Maccas (McDonalds) for a much needed breakfast. It was one of those rare moments that the three of us were sharing a meal together, even if it was a simple fast food meal.

As we ate, my Dad started advising me on job hunting and interview techniques on how best to answer interview questions. He told me that he would fully support me if I do decide to start further study on something else I might enjoy. I really appreciated him for telling me that and one of the reason he was such a great father was because he always emphasised the importance of education and higher studies for a better future. He, in itself is a success story; coming from a poor family, he made his way up to create a very successful life and career for himself.

The conversation then led onto how times have changed and kids these days don't uphold the same values that the kids had when my parents were growing up. It was honestly a surreal experience having both my parents laughing together. I would always keep those moments in my memories. During the course of the conversation, I learnt that my parents, mum especially fears that my brother and I may fully lose touch of our asian roots eventually. I, myself is proud to be asian and have never dreamt to be anyone else. I do regret not being able to learn how to speak Mandarin Chinese or Cantonese fluently, providing a language barrier between both my maternal and paternal relatives. I deeply regret not being able to get to know both my maternal grandmother and grandfather before they passed away. Even now, not being able to fully converse in Mandarin Chinese or Cantonese fluently sometimes makes me feel less of an asian.

Besides the language barrier, I was brought up the asian way. My childhood form of punishment was a huge long cane that was used whenever I misbehaved. Luckily, the scars I got from being beaten eventually faded away. If I used any swear words, my maternal grandmother would wash my mouth with soap, to "clean my mouth from the dirty word". I grew up eating rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner, which is why I am so used to eating rice on a daily basis. My parents worked all day to be able to provide for my brother and I. I grew up with countless Indonesian maids whom I grew very close to, which was the norm in Malaysia. They became the sisters I never had. My parents were busy working people, but managed to be amazing parents.

Even as I entered my awkward adolescent years with my occasional teenage acne, I was the typical asian nerd who spends way too much time in the school library. My parents paid for additional tuitions outside school hours, so I could strive in my studies. My dad even used monetary rewards as a form of motivation for getting As in all my studies. As a result, I was expected to be top in my class after every exam. I had curfews whenever I went out, which was pretty rare. Being able to date or worst, having a boyfriend was pretty much forbidden, eventually leading me to rebel against my parents by sneaking out and having massive fights when they found out.

In saying this, my asian childhood made me the person I am today. To me, I had an amazing childhood even though my parents were extremely strict. I learned to respect my parents by not answering back, and appreciate all the sacrifices that they have made for me. I still identify myself as an asian, and the asian values that I grew up with will always stay with me. I hope to one day instil that same values that I learnt to my future children.

Read More... My Asian roots

Does teaching means telling, and learning means listening?

Disclaimer: This article written is just purely based on my opinions and my insights.                                          

As Benjamin Franklin once said, "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

The traditional context of teaching and learning back in the days involved the notion that teaching involves the teacher giving out instructions, and learning involves listening to the teacher. The classroom environment resembled some sort of dictatorship, where the teacher of the classroom acts as the ruler or authority figure of the classroom.

Nowadays, according to the modern classroom, this conception has been challenged with many years of extensive research by dedicated and experienced teachers into the pedagogy of teaching, which serves to be the science and art of teaching. Good teachers not only give out information to students, but they also encourage students to explore their own ideas and insights, engaging students and guiding them to think deeper about their thoughts. They also have the ability stimulate discussion based on students ideas, linking it back to the lesson topic or as they say, the bigger picture.The importance of asking open-ended and probing questions during class discussions is also highlighted in various research articles.

                                               

Effective teachers also know the role of quality learning for the students. They do not believe that learning only occurs when listening to a teacher. Learning can occur from various practical exercises such as group activities, assessments and reflection. Group activities in particular are found to be effective as it- encourages team work and collaboration among students, as well as the importance of leadership. The Think-Pair-Share learning strategy is commonly implemented in classrooms, where students are enabled to formulate their own individual ideas and share these ideas with their peers.

Another statement that highlights the importance of quality teaching is "Give a man a fish, you have fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you have fed him for a lifetime". Quality teaching does not mean just telling students information, and students will not learn just by listening. However, how teachers go about teaching to strengthen the learning of students are just as important. There is an extent to how much a teacher can teach, but by giving students or children the knowledge and the ability for them to help themselves, it serves to be useful for them in the long run.

I have had amazing teachers in the past and they have inspired and mentored me because of their ability to ensure that all students get quality learning based on their individual learning needs and learning styles. Through my own insights based on the amazing teachers that I have had, I believed that teaching is more than just giving out instructions to students, and quality learning does not involve just listening to the teacher.

Read More... Does teaching means telling, and learning means listening?

An Incredible Reminder of How Short Life Really Is

The recent devastating news of the missing Malaysia Airlines 777-200 that was operating flight MH370 between Kuala Lumpur and Beijing is an incredible reminder of how short life is and how the lives of your loved ones, next of kins, family and friends can be taken away in just a split second. 

The flight which departed Kuala Lumpur at 12.41am on 8 March 2014, with a total number of 227 passengers (including 2 infants) and 12 crew members on board was expected to land in Beijing at 6.30am the same day. Since the news of the tragedy which has generated international news coverage, there has been a lot of rumours and speculations on social media like Facebook as to what happened to Flight MH370 as search and rescue teams worked tirelessly to locate the missing plane. 

Did the plane crashed? Was there terrorism involved? How did airport security let two passengers board the plane using fake passports? What does the oil slick found in Vietnam waters indicate? How can a plane just disappear? Aside from the speculations, what about the families and friends of those passengers on board flight MH370? I cannot imagine how devastated by the news they must feel. To not know the whereabouts and the fate of their loved ones is just terrible for anyone to even go through. 

We often take our loved ones for granted, thinking that they would always be there like they are immortals and indestructible. The thought of losing someone so suddenly and so unexpectedly is frightening to say the least. It's almost unfair for all the passengers on board that flight with their loved ones worried sick about their safety. 

Do take a moment to think about the lives that these people left behind and the lives that they could have lived. Do remember that we as humans at times may be too embedded in our own lives with all our worries, responsibilities and commitments that we lose track of the bigger picture of life. 

Don't wait until tragedy struck to realize how important someone means to you. Don't hold grudges and don't let little things stress you out. Take it slow and let it go. Live life to the fullest and have no regrets. And please pray for the safety and wellbeing of those involved in the disappearance of flight MH370.

Michelle.

Read More... An Incredible Reminder of How Short Life Really Is

Sorry, I'm just not that into you.

I have a confession. I have a checklist of the qualities I want in an ideal partner. Cute?  Check. Has a career? Check. Mature? Check. Older? Check. Funny? Check. Great personality? Check. Patient? Check. Kind? Check. Has a great body? Check. And double check. But that's just part of my list, your list would most likely be a little different depending on who you are and what you like.

Like a lot of girls, I would start dating a guy with a carefully and thoughtfully constructed checklist at the back of my mind, ready for me to tick off. In addition to the checklist, there needs to also be connection, chemistry and compatibility above all. Whether I care to admit, I have found myself lowering my standards and expectations at times. Realizing that finding a partner that tick all the boxes on my "checklist" is unattainable, I started settling.

Sure, he has nice eyes and seems interested. He makes me laugh. Who cares if he never had a job? Who cares if he plays computer games all day? I can live with that. I can change that. I can totally support and take care of him..?

Wow this guy is super hot and a total babe. He is also an absolute genius. We get along great but I am still not attracted to him. But I don't want to lose him. Maybe my attraction will grow if I keep seeing him..?

Sound familiar?

So I put my worries and confusions aside and keep seeing him, forcing myself to be comfortable with him and develop feelings. I almost feel guilty that I'm pretty much lying to myself. I'm living a lie and he needs to know the truth before he gets hurt.

It's hard and distressing to convince myself that he is really the best guy for me when I know in my heart he isn't and I can do so much better. I like the idea of him, just not him as a person. The hardest part of it all is for me to find the strength to have the "I'm just not that into you" talk and to walk away alone. He deserved someone that really truly likes him, rather than someone that still isn't sure.The infamous response of "I thought we had something special" and "I guess I misunderstood everything" is predicted. "You are just like the rest of them", that one really hurts. It's hard, but I won't settle for less.

Read More... Sorry, I'm just not that into you.

To be or not to be afraid?

If I can sum up my week in one word, it would be FEAR. More specifically, fear of any new changes. I found myself living in a new environment, embarking on further study in a new university and having to deal with the overwhelming amount of new responsibilities bestowed upon me. With these changes in such a short amount of time, I felt lost, at times uncertain and doubtful; and familiarity quickly became something I crave.

To put it simply, how many of us has let our fears hold us back? Are we afraid of adapting to changes? Are we afraid to venture into the unknown? Are we afraid to live in uncertainty? Are we afraid of starting something new?

To point out, the words "fear" "afraid" are found in most or all the questions above. To put it rationally, fear and afraid are synonymous, and both these terms are closely associated to making changes or venturing into the unknown. We can easily let fear affect our decisions in all aspects of our lives, that is the fear of leaving a comfortable job to pursue your dream career, the fear of being alone and never finding someone better, the fear of being looked down upon, or even the fear of rejection or failure. For many of us, fear has affected our lives in a way at some point in the past or even now.

One advice that I learnt this week that has helped me tremendously is to Be brave, step outside our comfort zone, and make changes. Our 20s especially is the time for exploring, finding out more about ourselves and the sort of person we want to be. Most importantly, it is viewed upon as the time to make fundamental changes for the better and grow into the person that will hopefully inspire our children and future generations. As terrifying as it may seem,  we should step outside our comfort zone, and lead life by our rules, not by the rules inflicted upon us by society. Sometimes, choosing to face the uncertainty and embracing the change for ourselves means that we are the strong ones. The unknown is filled with many possibilities and if ever we do hit rock bottom because of a bump in the road, it will only get better.

So are you afraid of change or do you embrace it?

Read More... To be or not to be afraid?

If I were to look perfect

This post was inspired by a Youtube video I recently watched. Four women were asked to participate in a Photoshop experiment. Each woman took part in a photoshoot and their photos were photoshopped to look like cover models.

After watching the video, I find myself wondering; given the chance to look perfect, what would I look like?

Let's see: 
I would have longer legs and smaller hips.
I would have long thick shiny hair.
My skin would be flawless and makeup would be perfect.
My eyebrows arched perfectly and my cheekbones would be chiseled.

The video above sends a very powerful message to everyone out there.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Stop being so critical.

Stop comparing yourself to everyone.

You are different. Embrace it.

As stated by one of the women in the video, "Once someone else has done your makeup and someone else has done your hair, and someone has directed the way your body looks and then taken away your imperfections, then there's not much left of who you really are."

This video has really taught me not to be too critical on myself and to be comfortable in who I am. To measure my happiness and success by how I look would be superficial and disappointing.

I am not supermodel thin nor am I athletic. I don't have perfect skin or the most defined face. I get pimples and I have acne scars. I am short sighted. I have short and straight eyelashes.  I can be awkward and quirky. My eyes squint when I smile. You know what, its okay.

Read More... If I were to look perfect